Ask Draco
by Lady Luna Hale
Summary: Dumbledore has lost his mind and has appointed Draco to have an advice in the school's newspaper. He gets letters from not only Hogwarts, but others outside of school and even their world. All they have to do is ask Draco.
1. Cho Chang

**Hey my readers! I know, another new written piece, but I had this idea for a while. I got it from a story where Snape gives advice, but I don't remember who wrote that. Anyway, this is basically Draco giving advice to the Hogwarts students. There's really no point to it, but I was bored and I felt like insulting people haha.**

**Anyway, if you have your own advice letters that students write to Draco, you can submit it into reviews and I'll submit some, maybe most of them.**

**So I hope you like it. I know it's short, but I'm doing one at a time. Unless it's the advice letters from reviews, then I'll probably do more than one in a chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy...Blah Blah Blah.**

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><p>Dear Draco,<p>

I am not normally one to show my feelings in front of others, much less parchment, but I really need your advice. You see, I had great feelings for a Hufflepuff boy that I had been dating and I still do, even if we're no longer together. But now, I'm starting to have feelings for a Gryffindor boy. He's really nice, brave, and sweet, though somewhat shy. I know that he likes me, but I don't think that he understands that I also like him. However, even though I want to be with him, I also think it's a betrayal towards my ex. What should I do?

Sincerely, Confused

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><p>Dear Confused,<p>

First of all, do you really think that I don't know it's you Chang? Love to break it to you, but you're not all that smart for a Ravenclaw. You're almost as stupid as a Gryffindor. Secondly, I've very surprised that Potter (yes I do know that it's Potter, any moron could figure that out) hasn't noticed that you're panting after him. I mean you're drooling over him so much, Filch has to paddle us to Potions yesterday.

But I really don't know what you see in him. I agree with Pansy, at least Diggory was good-looking, not as much as me, but way better looking than Scar Head. As for what you should do, just follow these steps and success will be in your hands:

1. Get over Diggory. I mean it's been a whole summer since he's been gone. Besides we all know that you were with him to get Potter jealous.

2. Get a makeover. You're starting to look ugly. I mean those bags under your eyes, messy hair that doesn't even look brushed. Ugh, it's almost as bad as Potter's messy mop that he calls hair.

3. Slap yourself for finding Potter in any way attractive. You might also want to check your self into St. Mungo's for any mental problems or check with Professor Snape to see if you're under some love potion or the imperious curse.

4. If you find out that there's nothing wrong with you, which I doubt, go shag someone else. We both know that you're easy enough. Remember 3rd year in the broom closet?

5. If you still find that you have feelings for Potter than you have to fight through his stalker, the red-headed Weaslette and sneak up to his dormitory. You know what to do from there, badly, but you still know.

Follow these steps and you'll end up as Mrs. The Boy Who Wouldn't Die or alone, but really what's the difference.

P.S. I don't know who you're deluding, but you are not hiding your emotions. Everyone can tell that you've been sobbing since you do it in the middle of the Great Hall. At least try to hide it you idiot!

Hope this helps,

DLM

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><p><strong>Okay so that was the first one. I was going to do Harry first, but for some reason, Cho's letter came to me instead. Hope you liked it and don't forget to submit your own letters in reviews. Also, tell me who you want me to do next.<strong>

**P.S. I'm going to do advice to not only Hogwarts students, but to other characters too. Like twilight characters, etc...**

**xoxo, Lady Luna Riddle**


	2. Cedric Diggory

**Okay, I updated this one pretty fast, but it's actually a lot easier to do. However, for those who want to know, my Reflecting The Future story will hopefully be posted tomorrow, or wednesday. Anway, this chapter came to you by a suggestion from Emzeekay who wanted me to state that there is a vampire-look-alike and that he's on to him. Now Emzeekay, I think that you probably meant that Cedric was on to Edward, but I wrote it a little differently. But I hope you and all the other readers like it anyway. **

**Remember, if you have a suggestion for another advice letter, just review and tell me. Also, you can write out your own too. The complete version. **

**I always want to give thanks to melancholyblood for your story alert, favorite story, and review and also thanks to Emzeekay for your story alert, review, and your idea.**

****Disclaimer: I'm not doing this again...Read the first chapter!****

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><p>Dear Draco Malfoy,<p>

I need your advice very badly right now. You, being a Slytherin, are obviously going to have cunning and sneaky characteristics, which I think could help me out. You see, I was hanging out near the Forbidden Forest during a free period when I saw this guy who looked exactly like me. Naturally, I was concerned and quite curious for why he looked like my twin. I was about to talk to him, when 6 other beautiful people appeared right next to him. I would have thought it was apparation, but I remember overhearing Potter's friend, Granger, that you can't apparate on the Hogwart's ground. Anyway, I cast a notice-me-not charm and listened to them. Apparently, the look-alike guy's name is Edwin, or something like that and they said that they were going to meet up with some Isabella girl near Hogsmeade.

Well, as a Hufflepuff, we're usually very good finders and I wanted to 'find' out more about them. So I followed them to Hogsmeade, which was extremely hard because they were fast. Then I saw them enter the 3 Broomsticks and meet with some plain looking girl that seems to be dating the Edwin guy. Then when they were leaving, they stepped into the sunlight and I saw them…glitter! I was so freaked out, I lost concentration and the Edwin guy caught me watching. I ran back to the school and now I think this Edwin guy is on to me because him and his disco ball family were talking to Dumbledore in the entrance hall and they kept staring at me. What should I do? How do I get rid of this face-stealing weirdo and his family?

P.S. Great advice to Cho by the way. She was seriously scaring the hell out of me. For some reason, she thinks I'm dead? The girl needs help.

Extremely terrified,

PUFF CD

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><p>Dear PUFF CD,<p>

Usually I wouldn't give advice to a pathetic Puff Ball, but I was a little interested in it because nothing's happened around here except for the Frizzy haired beaver and Blood-traitor having their usual sexual tensioned argument. So anyway, one main thing I should point out to you is that you can ramble on. I mean really! How many inches of parchment did you use to write this bloody letter? I don't need to see your long list of reasons why you haven't been buggered yet. Now about this Edwin guy. Yeah I've heard of him. Apparently the family's called the Cullens, such a Mudblood name! Nothing as grand as the name Malfoy. They're complete imbeciles! Apparently, they are part of some weird fairy clan that believe that they are vampires. Please! How many vampires sparkle? I should sick Sanguini on them. After all, I think he owes my father a favor.

Now to get rid of them, I heard that they don't like to drink human blood because they think it makes them monsters. So all you have do is set someone in their vicinity and make sure that they're bleeding. I honestly think you should use Potter, but Chang would be good too. I would say Granger, but I'm not sure if they like mud-blood. Anyway that should do it. Also, I don't know why you even care that he looks like you. There's many people who look like each other. Well, not like me, because no one can replicate my natural born gorgeousness. But your ugliness is easy to find on others.

See now you have me going on too long. I didn't finish my transfiguration essay because of you! Well, maybe I can tell the Old McG that it's that Lemon Drop Sucker's fault for giving me this stupid advice column.

P.S. Diggory, although I agree with you on Chang's psychoness, you are dead. The Dark Lord totally kicked your arse.

Your ever-faithful Badger Bully,

DLM

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><p><strong>Review people! Please for me! (pout)<strong>

**xoxo Lady Luna Riddle**


	3. Dolores Umbridge

**Hello, my faithful readers. I forgot to post yesterday because well...I just did for some reason haha. Anyway, I already have the next chapter written for this so I'll probably be working on my Reflecting The Future story. **

**I hope you like this one. The letter from Umbridge was written by Call Me Bitter and I wrote the response and the letter from Harry. I hope you like it. Call Me Bitter also wrote the letter from The Draco Malfoy Fan Club President for the next chapter and I wrote the rest, but I think I'll wait to post that until tomorrow. **

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><p>Dear Draco Malfoy,<p>

Recently, I have noticed a certain…attraction to a boy who I, until now, hated. I have resorted to giving him extra detentions so that I may gaze lustily upon his messy hair and green eyes without seeming creepy. (But only when he's not looking up of course. That'd be creepy.)

Someone with such power and drive as me rarely finds themselves in a situation like this. He is considerably younger than me but I could definitely pass for 20 or so. I use anti-aging spells every night and several people have commented on my ageless beauty.)

My question is: how do I seduce him?

Sincerely,

Kat Lover 4 Ever

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><p>Dear Kat Lover 4 Ever,<p>

How are you today Madam? Well, I have to tell you that while I am an expert at seduction, I can't give you advice unless I know who exactly the person you're after is. The only student I know that serves extra detentions with you is Po-Potter…Well this is substantially awkward. Why is everyone after Bloody Potter these days? What does he have that I don't? Nothing!…Sorry about that Madam.

Anyway, I would say that the way to seduce is him quite simple. The way I hear it is that he hates his muggle relatives. If you somehow get them accidently killed, that might work. I've also heard from a source that his beloved Dogfather, Sirius Black, means a lot to the Boy Who Lived. If you get him a trial to prove his innocence then he might give you a shot.

Or you can dump that all together and hide yourself in his bed in a Gryffindor nighty when he comes back from Quidditch Practice.

Hopes this helps.

P.S. When's the next Inquisitorial meeting?

Wishing you Luck,

DLM

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><p>Dear Ferret,<p>

I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ALBINO ARSE! YOU BLOODY TOSSER! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING GIVING UMBRIDGE ADVICE TO SEDUCE ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW DISTURBING IT IS TO FIND A FUCKING TOAD IN A RED AND GOLD NIGHTY IN YOUR BEDROOM? YOU BETTER HIDE BECAUSE IF I FUCKING FIND YOU, I'LL CUT OFF YOUR BOLLOCKS, AND LEAVE THE REST OF YOU TO PANSY TO HAVE HER WAY WITH YOU!

Hope you're doing well,

Harry Potter

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><p><strong>Just in case, you weren't sure and are too lazy to read the chapter title, that first letter was written by Umbridge having a crush on Harry. Review with any ideas or letters you have of your own!<strong>

**xoxo Lady Luna Riddle**


	4. Draco Malfoy Fan Club President

**Sorry about the long wait, but I wanted to get the next chapter of my story, Reflecting The Future out first. Anyway, I hope you like it and the P.S. From Draco to Harry in the announcement is a response to Harry's letter last chapter. So I hope you like it! Remember to comment with your own letters or ideas.**

**Thank you!**

**P.S. The letter to Draco is also from Call Me Bitter and then I wrote the rest. **

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter...although I do own the Weasley Twins...well I own a poster of them haha.<strong>

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><p>Dear Draco Malfoy,<p>

I don't go to Hogwarts but I've read all of the books and watched all the movies about it and I have this crush on this really hot guy there. He's a Slytherin though and I'm a firm supporter of Gryffindor. He's kind of a jerk sometimes, but his gorgeousness makes up for it. I can't help but fan girl squeal when his platinum blond hair falls into his eyes and he brushes it away or when he sneers at people. He's so awesome. My question is, do you know a good way for a Muggle to sneak into Hogwarts? And where can I purchase a relatively non-expensive but effective love potion? And how do I slip some into his drink? And what's the exchange rate between US dollars and galleons.

Love,

The DMFC President

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><p>Dear DMFC President,<p>

Who the Bloody Hell are you and how do you know about Hogwarts? And what do you mean movies and books? I've never heard of any about Hogwarts except for Hogwarts, A History. No doubt the mud-blood knows what you're talking about. Now to answer your questions, I am not telling a Muggle how to get into Hogwarts, especially a Gryffindor Loving Muggle, no matter your exceptional taste in wizards. To find a good love potion, I would say this very effective potion that's sold in Knockturn Alley, but none of the owners would ever sell anything to anyone less than a Pureblood. As for the exchange rate. How would I know the exchange rate for Galleons in American Muggle money? Obviously I do not live in America and do not care one bit for their plebian ways and I know nothing about filthy Muggles except that they are good for nothing freaks that must be destroyed to protect us from their disgusting magic-free ways.

P.S. By the way, you would never stand a chance with me.

Never write here again,

DLM

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><p>Dear Readers,<p>

This is your columnist, writing to announce very important information that everyone should know. HA! I GOT A FANCLUB! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT POTTER? WHO'S THE GREATEST NOW? I AM! Okay, that's all I wished to say.

P.S. Potter, your threats were not appreciated.

Hogwarts Advice Columnist,

DLM

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><p><strong>Just in case you didn't know. DMFC stands for Draco Malfoy Fan Club and the letter was from the President.<strong>

**xoxo, Lady Luna Riddle**


	5. Minerva McGonagall

**Hey I promised merlyn2, I would post this today. The letter to Draco was written by them, and I wrote the rest. So I hope you like it! Remember to keep sending in your letters or idea suggestions.**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR DRACO MALFOY...Duh!<strong>

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><p>Dear Draco Malfoy,<p>

Yesterday, somebody broke into Professor Binns' office and made off with a copy of the upcoming big test for History of Magic. Eyewitnesses spotted three figures racing away from the office, one a boy with light blond hair and vaguely ferret-like features, the other two a couple of larger boys. All three were wearing Slytherin uniforms. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

Yours,

A Concerned Investigator

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><p>Dear Concerned Investigator,<p>

Yes I have heard of this particular case. I was very shocked that anyone would try to steal Professor Binns' copy at all. I respect him almost as much as my Transfiguration Teacher, the beautiful and talented, Minerva McGonagall. She is a shining light, a greater witch than Merlin himself. I wish only that I could be a Gryffindor like her.

But back to your problem, I don't know who could possibly have taken it. There are no other blond boys in Slytherin besides myself, but features are far from Ferret-like. I believe that my marvelous facial features are chiseled to replicate the Gods, except better looking. It's possible that someone has stolen Slytherin uniforms and taken the tests. I would take a look at your own lions. They could have polyjuiced as others. In fact, I know a certain trio, consisting of a ginger-haired Mudblood, a long molared mud-muggleborn, and a scar wearing prat that in fact, made that potion in the second year and snuck into the Slytherin Dungeons.

I hope you search goes well.

Sincerely,

DM

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><p>Ron stared at the advice column in the school newspaper. "That stupid ferret! He knows that he's guilty!"<p>

Hermione scowled irately, "Oh honestly Ronald! Who cares about that? What I'm worried about is how he could have known that we used polyjuice potion."

Harry scratched the back of his neck, looking around the great hall, making sure that no one could hear them. "Well, maybe Crabbe and Goyle told Malfoy about being knocked out in the broom closet. I mean, Ron and I had been acting strange and Malfoy's not completely stupid.

McGonagall comes striving down from the great hall entrance and stands right behind them.

They turn around, to see McGonagall lips thinner than ever.

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE POLYJUICE AND DISGUISE YOURSELVES AS SLYTHERINS? I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ASHAMED OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS! 200 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND DETENTION FOR 3 MONTHS!

The trio stare at her shocked and turn towards the Slytherin table to see Malfoy raise his glass to them, smirking.

Ron glares at him, his face turning red. "Fucking Ferret!"

"ANOTHER 30 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"But Professor-" Ron spluttered out.

"NO EXCUSES! ANOTHER 15 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"Bu-"

"SHUT UP RON!" Hermione and Harry Chorused.

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><p><strong>So I hope you liked it and if you didn't know, the investigator was McGonagall.<strong>


	6. Harry Potter Fan Club President

**So I'm finally updating this series. I know it took a long time, but I was worried about writing Reflecting The Future. Now the first letter was also written by Call Me Bitter and of course I responded to it.**

**If you have any ideas, remember to suggest in a review and if you told me before, remind me again because I probably forgot. Except for the letter from The Previous Latter One. I am going to write yours next. **

**Remember to check out my new series called Ads of Love which is basically funny ads about dating characters from the Harry Potter series. I have a couple written and will be posting the first one in a few minutes.**

**Plus I also updated Reflecting the Future so 3 updates in one day. Whoo!**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter because if I did, there would be a Zefron poster hanging in Dumbledore's office.<strong>

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><p>Dear Draco Malfoy,<p>

You're a fucking pig, you know that? You come and steal my heart and then you shatter it! INTO A MILLION PIECES! How dare you seduce me with your beautiful, mouth-watering hair-NO! I'm not going down that path again. Anyway, Your Assholery, the point of this letter, other than to tell you what a jackass you are, is to ask you for Harry Potter's class schedule. What time are his classes and where? And where exactly in Scotland is Hogwarts? And where can I find a good love potion? And how do you suggest I kill Ginny Weasley without being caught? Might as well include Romilda Vane in there when I go on my homicidal rage…is there anyone else tht might get in the way of getting Harry to fall in love with me? (PS-Screw You.)

Hating you forever,

Former President of the DMFC and newly appointed president of the HPFC

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><p>Dear Former DMFC,<p>

How dare you, you filthy muggle! What gives you the bloody right to talk to me like that. You aren't fit to lick the dirt off my shoe. Compare me to an animal? You're lucky that I don't find out where you live and crucio you.

It is not my fault if that my hair is this luxurious. It's in the Malfoy blood. Which is far purer than the mud running through your veins.

I'm not sure what an Assholery is but rest assured that when I find out, you will pay! And why on bloody earth would I have Saint Potter's class schedule? That tosser only takes the weak, brainless classes unlike me.

As for Hogwarts, many do not know exactly where it Scotland it is located, except for my father who is a close acquaintance with the Minister of Magic, but I am not going to tell you. Besides muggles, can't even see it. Obviously because you are not worthy to set your eyes on such magnificence as where I preside.

I already told you where to find a love potion. If you're so pathetically dimwitted as to forget already, I'm not going to waste my time informing again. As for killing the she-weasel, I am unfortunately going to help you, just so I'm able to rid this world of that waste of air. I can't have her polluting this castle along with her more digusting red-headed male relative. All you have to do is wait until she is in someplace that is at least 50 feet tall and dangle a Potter toy doll out the window. She'll most likely wet herself with excitement and plummet to her death without thought. However, I will not help you Vane. Crabbe is planning on using imperious on her and use her for the year. After that she's all yours. Then the only others left in your way would be Granger…and maybe Weasel and Creevey too.

Planning to find you and offer you to the Dark Lord,

DLM

P.S. Just wait until my father hears about this!

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><p><strong>So review, favorite, and all that other good stuff.<strong>

**xoxo, Lady Luna Riddle**


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